edit nov.17.21
happy anniversary to what i wish i never started
it’s strange to think that what once was a hobby has now become something i do as classwork.
weird to think that something i find shame in has become something i receive grades for..
doing weekly blog posts for a class? weird
doing them and constantly thinking about the active era of this blog? even weirder
but to be honest with you, i wish i ended this better. more specifically, i wish i was properly able to say goodbye to what was essentially a major part of what made me realize so much wrong about myself.
not only was this started as a fun hobby/pastime but it also quickly became a place of comfort for me, as i had somewhere to put my thoughts into. however that comfort…
reflections are strange. though lingering emotions are even stranger. and if i could tell myself all the things i want to say, it would still not be enough.
knowing me, i would only say a few harsh words and leave it at that.
where was i, where am i, many questions i would love to ask but the answers aren’t important.
time is so disorienting to me. i don’t know when anything is anymore.
i say a lot of concerning things. many years of me saying something only to be responded with “thats not good” “are you okay?” and other remarks i cant be bothered to take seriously anymore as i just don’t get it. why be so concerned? it’s not genuine anyway
it’s strange. i’m scared to lose that as i feel as if that’s all i have and that’s all i am. a bundle of pessimism. what will i be when i’m out of that?
people like when i’m silent. so let’s start there